Yesterday, Ann Coulter posted an article about America’s pastime of “hating soccer.” Saying that America’s growing interest in soccer is a sign of “moral decay” is ridiculous. Here’s a baseless claim! Saying you agree with Ann Coulter on anything is a sign of intellectual impotence (sorry, Jessica…). That’s true ’cause I said it is…
In any case, it’s been a while since I posted. To that, all two of you who still read this archives of this blog should thank Ann Coulter for that. She awoke a sleeping giant that understands what he’s actually talking about when it comes to the game of football – yes, football. So let’s take a look at some of her ridiculousness in depth. I don’t want this to be misunderstood – football (soccer) as a sport in the United States isn’t what American football is. Nobody is making that claim. But, to make the claims that Coulter does…ha, well, that just takes a special kind of delusion that only she can pull off. Onto the facts…
CLAIM: There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child’s fragile self esteem is bruised…do they even have MVPs in soccer?
FACT: Uhhh, yes. First off, a slew of annual individual awards are dished out by the various leagues and organizations around the world. The Ballon D’Or? The worldwide soccer MVP – no other sport has that. The EPL has players and media both vote on individual player awards. Furthermore, players get benched all the time for poor performances. Remember Landon Donovan? Yeah, the big news he wasn’t selected for the USMNT and there were no apologies for it.
CLAIM: Liberal moms like soccer because it’s a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys.
FACT: I’m yet to see evidence that she’s ran onto a soccer pitch…ever…she spends most of her time writing useless drivel and sucking down coffee and diet cokes. Furthermore, she’s just flat out wrong. Could you imagine Prince Fielder running up and down the pitch? Soccer athletes run an average of seven miles per game – seven miles in ninety minutes, a pace that amateur runners would find to be good in a half marathon. Oh yeah, American football (and I’m calling it American football) players can expect to only move in action for about 11 minutes – of a sixty minute game. Plus, how many steroid scandals have there been in the last ever in football? This isn’t to say that there aren’t athletes in other sports, but it does say there are athletes in football.
CLAIM: Even in football…there are few scoreless ties – and it’s a lot harder to score when a half-dozen 300 pound bruisers are trying to crush you.”
FACT: “No other ‘sport’ ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer.” << Her words, not mine.
CLAIM: “The prospect of personal humiliation or major injury in required to count as a sport.”
FACT: If these don’t disgust you, I don’t honestly know what will.
CLAIM: “Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace.”
CLAIM: “In hockey, there are three or four fights a game — and it’s not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour.”
FACT: Actually, Ann, there are less than 1 fights per game and really haven’t been higher than 1.3. Nice job on your research. Oh, and for the record, soccer balls with greater surface area and less density travel at a pretty high rate of speed. Science says that’s pretty impressive.
CLAIM: We don’t have to be endlessly told how exciting (American) football is.
FACT: Apparently you’ve never watched the Baltimore Ravens play the Cleveland Browns…
CLAIM: “It’s foreign…one group of sports fans with whom soccer is not ‘catching-on’ is African-Americans. They remain distincly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it.”
FACT: I’m unimpressed with the fact the French like it. I’m impressed with the fact that fat lazy bastards don’t play it because they have to move for more than 11 minutes a game. That said, African-Americans remain unimpressed with NASCAR (a very, very American sport), but I don’t see her complaining about that national pastime.
But, let’s talk about that “foreign” aspect a little bit more. All American based sports leagues have salary caps of some sort (baseball has a luxury tax for rosters worth more than a certain amount), collective bargaining, strong players unions — all of which this “European” game don’t have. Teams are equaled out by revenue sharing. The Pittsburgh Pirates didn’t even have to win games to be a successful business. Talk about mediocrity being rewarded.
That said, European teams who overspend routinely have to enter administration (a.k.a., bankruptcy) and financially and competitively suffer because of it. Player contracts are routinely bought and sold at a negotiated market value. There are no salary caps. There is no revenue redistribution. Ann Coulter is a communist.
CLAIM: “Soccer is like the metric system.”
FACT: The box where the goalie is able to use his hands is measured 18 yards, dunce.
CLAIM: Soccer is not “catching on.” If more “Americans” are watching soccer today, it’s only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy’s 1965 immigration law. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.”
FACT: Well, I’ll say this – nobody makes the claim that football is America’s pastime. Nobody. However, to say the game hasn’t grown in the United States is a completely ridiculous statement. Major League Soccer is an established league in the United States that averages more fans per game than the NHL and NBA. Over 3 million boys and girls are registered players with US Soccer. It is catching on, becoming more popular, and widely supported as a sport.